How I Met A Sea God

It was the middle of the night, and all I could think about was that one of the other campers on the island were going to come over to our site, thinking that someone was dying, the screaming was so loud. To this day, I’m surprised no one did. We were gathered around a woman who was weeping and wailing, and we would have had a hard time explaining what was going on to anyone who happened to be checking out what was happening at our site.

Let’s back up a bit.

On the first or second full day on the island, Adhi had made little beeswax disks for each of us. She told us to work any negativity that we’re trying to get out of ourselves into our beeswax throughout the week. A good tool for me, as I had some rough resentment issues I was trying to let go of. Whenever I wasn’t working on my rattle, mesa, divination bag, divination practice, prayer braids, or general work connecting to the island, I would be squeezing and reforming that beeswax, trying to work in all the negativity I was carrying. This practice would stay with me the entire week. I’ll speak more on that later.

One of the activities that we were supposed to be doing on this weeklong workshop was to work on journeying every night. If you are unfamiliar with Shamanic Journeying, it is the practice where one attains a Theta brainwave state usually using using to the repetitive sound of a drum or rattle. The Theta state is where we dream. When journeying, it is a conscious dreaming where we direct what we are doing. This is a tool to explore your inner landscape, as well as using it to project beyond yourself, or to interact with spirits.

This didn’t happen for the first few nights. There always seemed to something else to be done, or the weather wasn’t cooperating, or Adhi had something different in mind. Later, she would tell us she had been waiting for us to get used to working with each other, as she felt someone would have a sort of breakthrough when we finally got to the journey work. Without a sense of safe community, we wouldn’t be able to go very deep.

We did try the night before. We were all in the big tent and Adhi broke out her rattle. It was a good experience, but the tent was cramped and I don’t think a lot of us went too deep into our psyches that night.

The next night, we went to the beach. We laid down in a row, heads towards the water. “Journey into the water. See what you can find there.” said Adhi. She started rattling as we laid there, eyes closed, listening to the sound of the rattle mixing with the ocean waves…

Twenty or so minutes later I sat up, startled and disoriented. As I remembered where I was and who I was with, I tried to recall what happened. I hadn’t fallen asleep. It felt different. Like I had just lost a chunk of time. I could vaguely remember meeting something… something powerful… something so much more than I am that it was terrifying. It felt as if I had bumped into something that my brain couldn’t handle, so it didn’t.

The group shuffled back up to the campsite and sat down around the picnic tables. Adhi chuckled as she shared that she had seen beings coming up from the water to us, spirits meeting us halfway. She began asking folks about their experience. I sat silently, feeling strange and on the edge of some overwhelming emotions that had been buried somewhere deep in my subconscious.

Adhi came to one lady in the group, asking about her experience. The lady in question was a rather level headed woman who had done a little bit work with Adhi dealing with unresolved grief. She began talking about her journey, which ended up being less about the ocean, and more about wandering the world, looking for purpose. As she described what she had experienced, she began crying.

This is one of those points in my stay on the island that I don’t think I can do justice with my words. The most powerful events seem to elude me in description. We watched this woman unload all of this grief and hurt in a half an hour collapse of crying and screaming. There wasn’t much for us to do besides keep the space for her and allow it to all come out. It was deep, primal, and very real. Some prayed. Some held her. Some tried to ground all of the power that was flowing through all of us. And we all witnessed. As the woman on the ground worked through all of the emotions that she was letting go, some of it came out in gut wrenching screams. Somehow, none of the other campers came over to see what was happening. Maybe they heard and didn’t want to be involved. Maybe they didn’t. We were all so involved in the moment, not many of us would have noticed anyways.

After she had  out, she was limp and weak, but relieved. She had gone through some kind of rebirth. She would even swear she looked different afterwards, that she didn’t recognize the woman she saw in the mirror. We carried her to another woman’s tent so she wouldn’t be alone that night.

Once that was over with, and all had calmed down at the campsite, some of us briefly  talked about what we had just experienced before everyone returned to their tents. Everyone, but me. I still had unfinished business.

I had put the feelings I was working through from the journey aside when my friend had her release of grief and trauma. The experience from my journey was still there, though. It had left a silent gnawing inside of me. Thinking no one had the energy after the experience of that night to help me deal with how I was feeling, I decided it was up to me and the sea. So, to the beach I returned.

I sat there, watching the waves the best I could in the dark, listening to them break upon the shore. That’s when I saw it. Movement from the waves. The beings that Adhi had mentioned, coming from the water. A little freaked out, I continued watching and listening. Then, the figure of a man rose up from the waves. Not like a bad CGI scene in a b-movie where someone rises head first to stand on green screen waves. No. This figure crawled out and stood up, facing me. That was the point I went from a little freaked out to full blown fight or flight mode.

As I jumped out, about to run, I looked back. I didn’t see anything. I was using the sound of the waves to journey, and, in that state, I had connected to spirit. I decided it was time for bed.

The next day, we discussed our experiences. As I talked about what I had seen, Adhi asked poignant questions that somehow led me back to the sigil that I had drawn in the sand the day I had arrived. As I talked it over, I had an epiphany. I had an experience with Manannan Mac Llyr, the sea god I had made offerings to throughout the week. The realization hit me so hard, I began to cry like a fool. Adhi just smiled this ridiculous all-knowing smile as we moved on to the next person to talk about their experience.

The next morning, our final morning, we went out to the beach before sunrise where we built a sacred fire. Adhi pointed to the three logs making the main teepee for the fire, telling us it was a gateway to somewhere else. This was where we were to throw the beeswax, along with everything we had been filling it with. I meditated on it before angrily throwing it in. I silently stared out at the ocean.

As we left, Adhi took down the prayer flags which adorned her tent all week. She cut off two flags for each participant. In the center of each flag, a Wind Horse. A beautiful way to bring a little bit of the magic we had worked with home. Mine still hang from the porch of my old farmhouse.

And that was my Assateague Retreat experience with my teacher. For those of you who have not had journeying experience, it isn’t normally this intense. This was a week of work, in a magical place, under the guidance of an experienced shaman. Even when all those criteria are met, the experience still depends on the group, the time, and the spirits. I think there is a lot in this work that is simply out of our control.

What shall I write about next week? I don’t know yet. If there is a subject that you’d like to hear my thoughts on, please let me know in the comments section on the blog, or on Facebook.

Until next week!

-The Green Mountain Mage