Finding Boundaries
The concept of strong boundaries has always been something that I struggled with. When I was younger, I wanted to expand my ability to feel the feelings beyond myself. I wanted to be able to easily read other people’s emotions, so I could be a better source of support. It soon became quite counterproductive, as I would pick up people’s emotions without meaning to, becoming lost in what I was feeling.
Then, there was the extra layer of feeling out who I could safely be myself around. A healthy amount of caution mixed with a low self esteem soon led to me being far too jumpy around anyone I thought might not embrace my “otherness.”
Finally, we add in a weird hero complex. I believe it to be tied into what I am supposed to be doing in this life. Left unchecked, though, it can lead me to overgive of myself. When you go into a situation where you feel a person can benefit from some energetic support, it can be easy to give of yourself to help that person. Done with your own personal energy, that can leave you drained, and useless. It also usually only helps that person feel better, but not to actively change anything that was wrong in the first place, creating an unhealthy relationship between you and the person you are trying to help.
I know I’ve discussed energetic exchange before, but I’m not sure how much I’ve discussed how guilty I was of going about it unhealthily when I was younger. I would be happy to let someone drain me, if I felt I was helping. Learning Reiki, and learning to be a channel to healing energy helped me out immensely in that aspect. I know that, if I’m not careful, people can still draw away my energy.
The work I’ve been doing in boundaries has mainly been in reference to the first two. Mainly the idea that it’s okay to stand in conflict. This may seem to be a no brainer for some, but for those of us that dodge conflict like it’s the plague, it’s an interesting notion. When I am interacting with someone who’s energy is more aggressive or pushy than mine, I usually shrink back. I don’t stand my space. I think one of my life lessons is in owning that I have a right to my being and space just as much as anyone else, and this stems from it. It’s okay to stand my ground and be me. Sometimes, that takes a courage for which I must dig deep.
I’ve talked about keeping space and riding the emotions that you’re picking up from others while not owning it. That is part of it. I think the next step is owning my own emotions. It seems that there are quite a few people out there, especially in the spirituality scene, that demonize certain emotions. A great example is anger. When I flipped my car two weeks ago, I was texting a friend and talking about my process. I mentioned that I was angry about it. The anger wasn’t running the situation, or boiling over into other parts of my life. That was just what I was feeling at the moment. Digging deeper, it’s really a secondary emotion to the scary nature of it. She told me that I shouldn’t be angry, because it didn’t serve me in the end. I changed the topic, talking about the secondary emotional nature of anger, but it made me pause.
Why shouldn’t I feel it?
I can’t ignore it. That would be burying it inside to let it fester. Instead, I felt it. I sat with it. If I needed a way to release it, I would have found it. Anger has a purpose in our lives, like lust, or dislike. Lust leads to procreation, which leads to life. I dislike pain, which generally keeps me out of really dangerous situations. It’s when anger, lust, dislike, or fear gain too much power in our lives. One of the ways to hand those emotions that power is to ignore them and what they are trying to communicate to us. Sometimes, we need to sit with them and listen to what they are trying to tell us. Once we do that, we can figure out how to fix the problem that is creating these unwanted emotions.
Sitting with our emotions is part of knowing ourselves. The better we know ourselves, the better we can set healthy boundaries. We can stand in our belief. We can say no to things that we really don’t want in our lives. We can use boundaries as a way to keep ourselves, while keeping them permeable and changing so that we can still feel the world around us.
I’m still figuring it all out. I’m still striving to keep a good connection to myself, and the person I strive to be, all while being aware of what’s happening around me, and where the people around me are at. It’s not always easy, but I’m learning.
Anyways, these are my thoughts on the issue. Remember, if there is a subject that you’d be interested in hearing about in this blog, reach out and let me know. Until then, I’ll keep going off about subjects that pop up as something folks might be interested in and personal explorations into the world of herbs and spirit.
Until next week
The Green Mountain Mage